The Bomber's Biggest Bang
by BAKOOM
Summary: Everything changes the day Deidara gets kidnapped by Orochimaru. Now impregnated with Kabuto's child, he doesn't know where to turn. Until the least likely person comes to his aid... yaoi, mpreg,lemon ItaDei,KabuDei, and other hints
1. A Night of Pleasure

**Reader Discretion Advised**

This story is rated 'M' for a reason. That reason being, it will cause immature people to get so horny that they start masturbating in the nearest bathroom. If there's no restroom near enough, I feel sorry for anyone within eye shot.

This story may be a crack pairing but it is still, indeed, yaoi. There may be some *cough, cough* scenes that may not be suitable for people who are not prepared. Even though the couple is random, it is still a full-out romance and, as thus, includes stuff that may be more than slightly disturbing. Read at your own risk.

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**Chapter One: A Night of Pleasure**

Orochimaru stood, hidden behind a tree, waiting. He was hoping to see the beauty who had passed here earlier today. Maybe, just maybe, that lovely teen would return and... Orochimaru licked his lips, thinking of the possibilities. That amazing slim body, those thoughtful blue eyes, that long, almost glowing golden hair... He wanted them. Badly. And, if there was something Orochimaru wanted, he would do just about anything to get it.

Here he remained, silently watching the path through a forest of branches. His wait soon paid off. Within half an hour, he spotted a wisp of blonde coming down the road at a reasonable pace.

"Yessssss", the Immortal Snake hissed, preparing himself. "Sssoon, you ssshall be mine."

Taking this as his one and only opportunity, Orochimaru came out from the shadows and faced his victim. At this moment, he realized that this artistry was either a very flat chested woman or an extremely effeminate male. He hoped for the lather as he licked his lips.

"You!" The blonde said, the tone of his voice revealing that he was, indeed, a he. Deidara, for that was this girly man's name, took in the attire of his opponent: a large, purple rope, formed in a bow over his butt; dark, lushious hair that practically advertised L'Oreal just by blowing in the wind; a khaki dress that came down to the knees; slightly puffy pants and sandals. He knew immediately who this man was. "Orochimaru, how I've waited for this moment, hmm. I finally get the chance to show my art to one of the Legendary Three!"

"We don't need to fight," Orochimaru replied silkily. "You're worthless against me. Come, boy." The snake brushed his tongue over his lips and turned around, motioning for the teen to follow.

"Ha!" Deidara snorted. "Do you really think I'll come that easily, hmm?"

Before he could even reach for the bags at his waist, Deidara felt himself being tied up by some force. "Wha-" He looked down to see a python making its way up his body.

"If you try to resist, I assure you that snake will squeeze you to death. Trust me, it's a horrible way to die." Orochimaru didn't even look back as he continued walking with Deidara dragged behind.

Finally, the duo stopped at the opening of a large cave. Orochimaru proceeded, while his prey looked around, trying to remember the labyrinth of tunnels and doors. After about five minutes of being in this hideout, Deidara gave up and hoped for the best.

The serpent stopped, and gave a motion. Deidara felt the python dragging him into the nearest room and began brainstorming an escape. With a snap of Orochimaru's long-nailed fingers, the bindings on the blonde disappeared with a puff of smoke.

Orochimaru licked his lips and locked the door behind him. "It's time for the fun to begin."

At this, Deidara scooted farther into his corner, fear written all over his face. _What is he going to do, hmm? _He looked around, trying to figure a way out.

"Oh, you can't escape from me," the Immortal Snake attempted a sexy smile, resulting in a very creepy and unsettling expression that, even Deidara had to admit, was strangely attractive. He took a few steps forward, closing in on his prey. "You're mine."

The next thing Deidara knew, Orochimaru was shirtless and coming closer. The blonde tried to look away, but it was useless; the damage had been done. That beautiful pale chest seemed to glow in the eyes of Deidara. Suddenly, he felt a new feeling; excitement. If Orochimaru's abs were that nice, the rest of him could only get better… When Deidara found himself staring at his elder's crotch, he looked away, embarrassed. _What's wrong with me? _He thought.

Orochimaru had obviously seen were the teen had glanced. He rolled his tongue over his lips, and leaned his face in toward Deidara's.

"You're going to have to earn it," he whispered into the blonde's ear, causing shivers down Deidara's spine. "If you want my body, you'll have to give me yours."

Deidara nodded, understanding fully. He wanted it, all right. All of it. Every thing Orochimaru had, hidden behind those extremely pesky pants. "Yes, hmm" he nodded again, in case the snake had missed it the first time.

The next thing Deidara knew, he was blindfolded. At first he tried to resist, but he felt a finger against his lips as Orochimaru spoke.

"Ah, ah, ah. This part'ss a ssssurprissse. You can be do me next."

Deidara felt his cloak being unbuttoned slowly and his mesh shirt being cut off with some sort of shears. He yelped as the cold metal touched his chest. _Almost there, _he thought as the elder began taking their pants.

Deidara bucked as the Sannin began caressing his chest with his long, warm and velvety tongue. Orochimaru eased up and began nibbling on the blond boy's neck gently, causing the younger one to moan loudly. Loud enough for Sasuke next door to cease masturbating for the time being and begin cumming loudly.

That amazing tongue soon made it's way to Deidara's mouth and the Akatsuki member allowed instant access. He was surprised at how great the tongue tasted; like everything wrong yet right, like that guilty feeling he got every time he saw Zetsu eating somebody he had hated.

Orochimaru's silk underpants suddenly became two sizes smaller than they already were and he felt Deidara's boxers do the same.

"Are you ready for me, Dei-Dei-Darling?" Orochimaru whispered against their kiss, "Ready or not here I come…"

Orochimaru removed the offending boxers from the blond and stared at the beauty before his eyes.

"Oh…." his eyes gleamed at the large erection. Orochimaru felt as though he was blinded by the glory of a new god. It was amazing. "Big boy!" he exclaimed, and claimed the prize with his mouth. Deidara screamed with pleasure as the older man wrapped his tongue around his length and moved up and down. Deidara was about to cum when Orochimaru pinched the base of his penis with two fingers and his thumb.

"Ah ah ah," Orochimaru answered the horrified gasp that met this action. "You aren't allowed to cum until I say you can." The predator placed a clip where he had been pinching and pulled Deidara onto his hands and knees. He crawled around to the front end and thrust himself into Deidara's mouth. Deidara obliged and began sucking and allowing Orochimaru to move in and out repeatedly. When Orochimaru believed he was ready, he withdrew from the boy's mouth and turned Deidara around, leaving him on his hands and knees. Orochimaru licked his first finger and pushed it into Deidara's opening, causing the boy to gasp loudly.

"Here comes the next one!" Orochimaru said singing and slid the next finger in and scissoring them. Deidara cried out in pain and pleasure, tears running freely from his eyes. His eyes widened as Orochimaru placed in yet another finger.

"Please stop!" Deidara squealed like a girl, "I can't fit anymore!" Orochimaru thrust his fingers in deeply, then paused.

"Do you really want me to stop?" He asked smiling as he brushed the prostrate, causing Deidara to scream with pure passion.

"NO, hmm! Don't stop….Don't stop…" He was sobbing as warm, painful shivers ran up his spine. Orochimaru slowly removed his fingers and started to slide his penis inside Deidara's preped and eager opening. The older man reached down and removed the clip from the teen's erection and thrust himself in as swiftly as he could.

Deidara screamed. He didn't want it to stop, but this was almost too painful. Just as he was about to signal for the snake to stop, the prostrate was touched yet again. The pain was gone, replaced by a feeling of want.

They both jumped when they heard a cough coming from the door. Poor Sasuke had really walked in at the wrong time. Deidara blushed when he heard Orochimaru speak.

"What are you waiting for, Sasuke? Join in." Deidara heard footsteps coming towards him and clothing falling to the floor. Seconds later Sasuke's cock was in his mouth, pumping in and out quickly, keeping up with Orochimaru's pace at the other end. Orochimaru kept going deeper, in and out, making it hurt again on Deidara's end. As if the serpent could sense his victim's pain, he went rubbed up against the prostate once more, causing Deidara to moan in delight against Sasuke's length. Orochimaru pulled out and motioned to Sasuke.

"Want to switch?" He asked and Sasuke eagerly crawled around back. "Ready for the second round, Dei-Dei-Darling?"

Deidara shook his head,

"No more!" The blond rasped, but the Immortal Snake simply smirked and pulled his blindfolded head up.

"Sorry, no stopping until I say so." Orochimaru signaled Sasuke and master and apprentice began again, faster than before.

This was too much for Deidara, and soon, before they had even finished, he had fallen unconscious.


	2. Hell, Heaven and Earth

**Chapter Two: Hell, Heaven and Earth**

Deidara woke up. His back was cold and the air smelled of a mixture of blood and chemicals. _Where the heck am I, hmm? _He thought as the pain from the night before hit him like a ton a bricks. When he opened his eyes, Deidara saw a bright, white light shining glowing above him, making his head hurt. After blinking a few times, the bomber tried to get up. Only then did he realize that he was strapped down. He felt something cold and smooth brush against his side and slide up to his ear.

"Did you ssssleep well Dei-Dei-Darling?" The snake morphed into Orochimaru as it spoke. Deidara was not surprised in the least.

"You bitch!" Deidara rasped, his throat quite sore. "Get me off here, hmm!"

"Bitch?" Orochimaru mocked, "I wouldn't call anyone else that if I were you, bitch." The Immortal Snake slid his long tongue across Deidara's still bare chest, causing goosebumps so bad his victim convulsed on the table.

Deidara suddenly felt like crying, for no reason at all and the area around his elephant felt strange.

"What did you do to me?" he demanded, trying to sound tough, though he felt breakable as glass.

"It's just a little... experiment." Orochimaru snickered evilly and licked his lips. "You'll get used to it. Eventually. Though advise you as your...doctor...to ssstock up on tamponssss and other femine products that I am not yet aware of." He bowed and glided out of the room.

"What the hell...?" Deidara tried to figure out what was going on, but this only made him want to cry more. He then remembered, _Hey! I have two extra mouths! _He slid his hands down as far as the bindings would allow. _Perfect! _He thought, as his hands began to chew through the bindings. He sat up and pulled on the closest scrub he could reach.

Soon, he was out and skipping to freedom. Unfortunately, he had forgotten about the hideouts great many hallways. Deidara was running through the maze, like a laboratory rat searching for cheese. However, in this case his cheese was a door leading to the outdoors.

_Why? _Kabuto cried, looking at the opposite wall. _Why did you send me here? Didn't our love mean anything to you? Oh Sasori...Sasori..._

Orochimaru's henchman sat there silently wondering what he had done wrong. Suddenly, he heard a heart-broken sob from the other end of the hall. Thinking that is was just an echo he ignored it, but then he heard it again. _What is that? _He thought as he stood up to go investigate.

"Sasuke?" He called, "Did you get the dildo stuck again? Lord Orochimaru won't be pleased!" Kabuto paused and said, as if to himself. "Actually he would..."

When the bespectacled doctor looked around the corner, he did not find Sasuke as he expected. Instead he found a beautiful blonde girl. He began walking over to her, thinking _This is better than sticking my hand up Sasuke's furry butt to remove his filthy sex toys. _

"Hey, are you lost?" Kabuto asked sympathetically. The blonde looked up, blue eyes filled with tears and jumped into Kabuto's arms.

"I'm so glad you found me!" The beauty cried into his shoulder. Kabuto simply patted her back in a comforting manner when he felt something nibble his ear. The girl was rubbing herself against him in a seducing manner and he thought, _She is strangely flat-chested! Almost like a boy..._ He felt himself becoming aroused, despite the fact that he wasn't very into girls. He picked her up bridal style and found her mouth with his and kissed her deeply. Kabuto almost sprinted to his room and kicked the door open with the girl still in his arms. Kicking the door shut behind them, the gray haired teen laid the blonde on his bed and began kissing her slowly and sweetly.

Deidara kissed the wonder-man back, loving everything from the sweet taste of his tongue to the soft caress of his touch. The gray haired boy wasn't rough like Orochimaru had been the night before, he was sweet and slow. He touched Deidara like he was something to hold sacred, like he was breakable. Deidara liked this greatly. The teen above him sat him up without breaking their kiss and began untying the scrubs that were between them. When they were removed the boy looked at Deidara slowly, smiling.

_Yes! She's a he! _Kabuto thought and kissed _him _once again, even sweeter than before. He slid his hands up and down the other boy's back then slowly laid him down on his back as he began kissing his way to the blonde boy's cock. He placed his mouth around the end of the blonde's length and began sliding up and down, gently running his teeth along the entire length. The boy below mewed like a kitten to this touch.

"Oh, yes..." The blonde moaned with bliss leaking from his voice. "That's just right, hmm." Kabuto heard the 'hmm' and fell in love with the speech habit immediately.

Kabuto began kissing his way back up to the blondes mouth and captured it with his. As Kabuto lovingly kissed the boy below him he reached towards his bedside table, opened the drawer and pulled out the bottle of lube he kept hidden there. He squeezed some onto his hand and rubbed it on his own length.

Kabuto took two fingers that were generously coated with the lube and traced them down to the hole he knew he would find. He slowly slid in one, then two. He slowly pulled them in then out over and over again, opening and closing his fingers like scissors. The Boy moaned in pleasure at Kabuto's movements inside of him. Kabuto removed his fingers and slowly positioned himself at the blondes opening.

"Are you ready for this?" Kabuto asked, ready to stop or start at the other boy's command. "I'll stop if you want..." He was surprised when the blonde grasped his hips and pulled Kabuto in. Kabuto replied to this by thrusting slowly yet steadily, not wanting to hurt the other boy. It was sheer heaven for both of them.

The next morning, Deidara awoke sore, but not too sore. The pain was more of a comforting, lovingly annoying pain, instead of the oh-my-gosh-my-anus-is-going-to-explode pain he had felt the morning before.

"Good morning, hmm," he said to his lover who was already up, fully dressed and writing.

The gray haired wonder walked over and kissed Deidara soflty and warmly on the forehead. "It's nice to see you in full light, my sweetie."

The bomber sat up in the bed, aware of his soreness and hoping it could get better. His partner took the hint and leaned on top of Deidara. The blonde began straddling his lover's hip and closed his eyes, waiting for the joy to hit him again. Then a thought struck him. _I'm still in Orochimaru's hideout!_ Deidara shot up abruptly, causing the henchman to nearly fall off the bed.

"I've got to get out of here, hmm!" Deidara almost began crying again. "Where's the exit?"

"Oh..." his new 'boyfriend' pushed up his glasses, feeling a bit upset.

"It's not that, hmm!" Deidara kissed his man again to prove that he really did love him. "Orochimaru's after me!"

Kabuto nodded, understanding fully what that meant. "Just go down the hall and there's a door on the right with a neon 'exit' sign. You can't miss it."

"Thank you! Thank you for everything, hmm," Deidara ran to the door. Then he realized he was naked. "Do you have any clothes I could borrow, hmm?" He blushed as he turned to Kabuto.

"Here," A black cloak was tossed in Deidara's direction. Quickly and swiftly, the blonde put it on and ran once more.

Itachi sat staring at the piece of pie that was taunting him. Deidara had eaten most of the pie, and left two pieces, one of which he had given to Sasori. The other, however, was still sitting here, saved for later. Deidara had even so kindly left a note on said piece of pie saying:

_Eat this pie and I'll kill you, hmm!_

Since Deidara was absent, Itachi was wondering if the note really meant much. After all, how could the bomber kill him if he wasn't present? Besides, Itachi had already defeated him once, how hard would it be to do it again?

"There's no need to let a perfectly good piece of pie go to waste," Itachi murmured, grabbing a fork. He was just about to shovel the deliciousness into his mouth when he heard the door behind him open.

"UH HA," Deidara panted roughly, glad to be home. He immediately saw Itachi sitting there, about to to eat _his _pie that he spent _his _hard-earned stolen money on.

Itachi, who usually was very composed, jumped three feet into the air, accidentally shoving pie into his mouth in the process.

"YOU!" the bomber swaggered than collapsed, a look evil enough to kill plastered on his face.

Deidara's opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was an empty pie plate accompanied by a note that read:

_The pie was good, but it needed more sugar. Thank you. _

_~Itachi_

"Urg!" the blonde sat up quickly, crumpled the note and threw it at the wall. "I hate you, Itachi, hmm," he said in the voice of the exorcist. Then, his head began spinning and throbbing in patterns, causing him to lay back down.

Hearing his partner's loud exclamation about Itachi, Sasori quickly ran into Deidara's room, only to find the bomber curled up in the fetal position, clutching his head tightly. Deidara looked up at Sasori, a pained look in his eyes.

"Medication. NOW," the blonde managed to croak out before grasping his head again.

Although he had many questions to ask his partner, Sasori could not stand to see Deidara in that much pain. He ran across the hall to his room and mixed up some strong pain medication. About two minutes later, he returned to find his friend in the same spot, covered in his own vomit.

_Okay_, thought Sasori, turning back to his lab. _I guess I have to set up an I.V._

_Deidara was cleaned and filthy, alone and crowded. Hot and cold and sore and everything was right and wrong. He was with one and without the one, that gray-haired teen without a name. What was a name? He couldn't remember.._

"Yeah, he's been hallucinating all day." Sasori spoke as Pain looked questioningly at Deidara.

"What happened to him?" The leader asked.

"I don't know," Sasori admitted, "Itachi said he burst in last night and fell unconscious. I asked him where he had been and he said something strange. Probably just a bunch of nonsense from the medication."

"That being?" The leader looked at Sasori, his voice sounding curious, his face expressionless.

"He said 'Hell, Heaven, and back to Earth again,'" Sasori then went back to tending to Deidara as Pain thought this over.

_Cold,_ s_weat, pain, pleasure, bliss, anger, joy. It hurts!, Don't stop! No more, more! How many hours until he was finished? He was baggage, he was precious, He didn't know what he was anymore. When would the pain end? Was it real life? Or was it..._

_"I don't know or care," he said, "I wish for death, hmm."_

_"Please no!" Cried a little voice, "I want to live!"_

"...I want you to live..." Deidara murmured in his sleep. Sasori looked over at the ill teen, wondering what he meant.


	3. What the?

Here it is, the part you've all been waiting for! Okay, maybe not, if you already saw it on my other account. Anyway, please read and review! Let's see if you can guess how it ends, though I doubt any of you will.

_Naruto_ is property of Masashi Kishimoto. Deal with it fangirls (and Sasuke).

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**Chapter Three: What The...?**

Two weeks had past and Deidara had finally gotten over his ordeal and was ready to begin work again. But he felt he had somehow gotten out of shape during his two week absence.

_Gosh, I feel flabby, _he thought as he and Sasori walked to the training field. _Why? I didn't eat anything fattening..._He then remembered the cake, pie, cookies, Twinkies and moon pies he had consumed immediately after his migraine had subsided. _I'm just gonna stop thinking about it..._Deidara felt a bump on his left shoulder and looked over to find that he had ran into Itachi.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, "Watch where you're going, Sharingan Jerk, hmm!" He was about to say more when Itachi pushed him into the wall, his sharingan fully activated.

"What are you doing, hmm?" Deidara protested as Itachi looked him up and down with a clinical eye.

"You shouldn't train today, or any time in the next few weeks." Itachi said coldly and walked away leaving both Deidara and Sasori wondering, _What the..._

_Blaaa-blaaarg! _Deidara puked into the toilet, his stomach feeling much better afterward. Except for the taste in his mouth, he felt completely normal, as if he had not barfed at all.

After wiping his face, he turned to leave the restroom and jumped in surprise when he saw Itachi standing in the doorway, a look that clearly said I-told-you-so written on his face.

"Shut up, Sharingan Jerk, hmm," Deidara growled.

"I didn't say anything, Dobe," Itachi shoot back, his voice still level and emotionless. "I just wanted to tell you-"

_Ugh, _thought Deidara, not listening to Itachi. _He is gonna go on and on about how powerful he is and how superior the Uchihas are..._

"-pregnancies in men are not common so I think I have found out your secret, _miss_ Deidara."

"Wait, what?" Deidara hadn't been paying attention.

"I said you're pregnant." Itachi paraphrased. "With child, two weeks into it as I can tell, _miss _Dobe." Itachi turned around and left the bathroom and a very confused Deidara.

By the next morning, everyone had heard. The nine other Akatsuki members hushed as Deidara walked into the kitchen to prepare his breakfast. The first to speak was Hidan, a tall, shirtless man with his hair slicked back.

"Hey, babe, wanna get fucked by someone with experience?" He winked at Deidara and did an awkward little attempt at a pelvis thrust.

Deidara ignored Hidan entirely as he scooped some eggs onto his plate. He sat down and began eating, until he noticed the blue-haired Konan sitting next to him, staring.

"What do you want, hmm?" Deidara asked before shoveling some more eggs into his mouth.

"It's just," Konan struggled to find the right words. "I thought I was the only one."

"Okay..?" the blonde scooted a few inches away from her.

"It's okay, you don't have to shop if you don't want to," Konan looked dejected. "We can still be friends."

"Who said anything about not wanting to shop, hmm?" as manly as Deidara was, he still had a weakness for shopping, especially at clothing stores where he could experiment with different looks.

Konan looked up, a bit taken aback yet pleased with the bomber's response. "Really?"

"Sure," he replied, smiling. Deidara had never liked shopping alone; people just looked at him funny and never gave him good service. "How about this weekend?"

"Yes!" the Paper Angel cheered, and hugged Deidara. "I'm so excited!"

"The girls are finally getting together," Kisame whispered to Itachi who just nodded.

Deidara and Konan stood outside the Ninja Retail Outfitter, laughing at stupid cos-players who looked nothing like ninjas.

"Wow, it is _the cos-play store of the century, _hmm."Deidara quoted the extremely stupid commercial that had prompted them to visit the store.

"Yep!" Konan replied, "_Complete with __Accurate_ _ninja wear!_" they giggled like schoolgirls for a few minutes before actually entering the store.

"Hey! Let look over here first!" She dragged Deidara toward the girls clothing. They started out by looking at dresses, then accessories and hair clips. However, when Konan pulled him into the maternity clothes he knew something was up.

"Hey, why are we looking over here, hmm?" He asked, "Are you and Pain _expecting _someone, hmm?" He elbowed her in the side playfully.

"No," she blushed, "I just figured you hadn't done any preparation shopping so I figured we could go without the boys..." Deidara figured out what was going on as soon as she had said 'preparation shopping'. She thought he was a her and pregnant.

"Oh, so Itachi...hmm." Deidara thought for a minute. Being the nice _guy _he was he didn't want to hurt Konan's feelings, so he decided to tell her gently.

"I don't think I'm pregnant, Itachi is just screwing with everyone, hmm" He smiled bigger and brighter so she wouldn't be insulted. What he wasn't expecting was her reply to that.

"Oh, you're preggers! Itachi can see chakra when he uses Sharingan and when women are Pregnant there is an extra chakra in the mix. So, yeah, you're pregnant." Deidara nearly broke his composure.

"Yeah, but I still want to be clinically 'figured out' before I buy anything, also on the off chance of miscarriage..." Konan nodded and they left the maternity clothes and walked to a different section of the store. Deidara worried that Konan would press it further, but she didn't. They had a great time at the store and returned to the hideout laughing...Until Kakuzu saw the receipt, that is.

Later that week, Konan presented Deidara with a 'little' gift.

"A pregnancy test, hmm?" He whispered so that the other people in the room hopefully wouldn't notice.

"Yeah, so you can have your 'clinical figuring out' answer!" She whispered back, equally quiet.

"Well, yeah, but how accurate is it, hmm?" Deidara was looking for a loophole in having to use it.

"The box says 100% accurate and it is easy to use. So go on! I want to see the results!" Konan practically shoved Deidara into the bathroom.

_Well, _he thought. _Might as well get it over with, hmm. _He stood over the toilet and followed the instructions on the package. Twelve minutes later he emerged from the bathroom, pale as if he had seen a ghost.

"Well?" Konan was bouncing with excitement. Deidara didn't answer her, he just walked towards his room and collapsed on his bed, too shocked to speak.

Konan peered into the bathroom and saw the test on the counter top.

Deidara laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling. _Well,that was the first test I ever passed. _He thought. _I wish that I had failed, hmm. _Deidara rolled over and fell asleep, crying silently.


	4. Sasori

Sorry it took so long to update. I ran across some technical problems. Next chapter will arrive a lot quicker, I promise!

Naruto is still Masashi Kishimoto's.

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**Chapter Four: Sasori**

"Hello, Miss Deidara," Itachi said blindly picking at his cereal as Deidara walked into the kitchen the next morning.

"Huh?" the Bomber yawned, confused. He walked zombie-like toward the pantry, only hearing half of Itachi's words.

Itachi smirked and continued telepathically chiding his cereal for how weak and helpless it truely was.

Deidara sat down and began eating his Wheaties, but, as he was metally reminding himself to eat this more often, something happened that made him lose his appetite.

"WHAT'S UP, BITCHES!" Hidan burst through the door, wearing nothing but a towel, his Jashin rosery and a wide grin. He sat himself down next to the blonde, a tent appearing in his towel.

"Hey, babe," He said erotically, scooting closer to Deidara. "You, me, my room, 11:00. Be ready to be fucked with experiance."

"Don't flatter yourself, Hidan," Itachi said, standing up. "We all know you've only got a stump."

"How'd you-" Hidan began.

"Sharingan sees through everything," Itachi nodded. "I made the mistake of having it activated as I walked past the bathroom." He shuddered. "Ugliest stump I've ever seen in my life."

"Exactly how many _have_ you seen?" Deidara murmered under his breath.

Ignoring Deidara, Itachi walked out of the room, Hidan cursing behind him.

"How are you doing, Brat?" Sasori appeared in the doorway. He reached over and patted the blonde on the back, then stopped, wondering if this move was too affectionate. "Do I need to kick someone's ass?"

Deidara laughed quietly, "I think I can handle them on my own, but thanks for the offer, hmm."

"Well, then, if you're done with your soggy cereal, Leader ordered us to his office." Deidara stood up and walked alongside his partner towards the office.

They walked up to the office door and walked inside.

What they saw there was something that made them wish they could wash their eyes with hyrocloric acid.

Pain was at his desk, luckily, but they could still see that he was not wearing any clothes. Konan was wearing nothing but a bra and was sitting on his lap moaning.

"Oh, Konan," Pain moaned, "Please pour that sugar on me!" She turned them towards the desk and grabbed the mesuring cup of sugar waiting there.

"Well, Deidara, looks like we'll be cutting sweets from our diet!" Sasori said loudly, as they started backing away.

"OH!" Konan jumped at the sound of Sasori's voice, hitting Pain in the head with the measuring cup. She crawled under the desk and Pain stared at the two in the doorway, a look of embarasement running over his features.

"There's this new invention. It's called knocking, you know," the leader said, attempting to pass the blame.

"That's kinda hard to do when there's no door," Deidara shot back, guarding his eyes. Sucking sounds could be heard from under the desk as Pain's face brightened.

"I take it, now is not a good time," Sasori pulled Deidara out of the room. "We'll be back!"

They walked back into the kitchen and proceeded to warn the other members.

"What? Thats unlikely..." said Kisame thoughtfully. Itachi steathfully activated his Sharingan and glanced down the hall. He gagged and ran towards the bathroom, ready to barf.

"That's what he gets for watching pierced porn," Hidan remarked, smirking. "Speaking of porn," he leaned over to Deidara. "We still up for tonight?"

"In your dreams, Hidan," Deidara whispered. "In your sick, perverted, pimp dreams."

"And how I look forward to those dreams," Hidan stared into space, his towel dropping to the floor. The sight of this made the blonde wish to barf, and at that moment, morning sickness hit him. He ran to the bathroom, almost running into Itachi. He raced to the toilet and promptly emptyed his stomach. He felt a hand pull his hair back and another gently rubbing his back as he barfed. As soon as it had happened though, the sickness was over and he could stand up again. Itachi steadied him as he stood.

"You didn't have to do that, you know, hmm." Deidara said bluntly,

"Hey, we are on the same team here," Itachi mumoured, "We look out for each other." He handed the blonde a wet washcloth and left.

"A team, huh?" Deidara shook his head and washed his face.

Sasori and Deidara stood in Pain's office, as the leader told them of their newest mission.

"So, you want us to get the One Tail?" Deidara confirmed.

"Yes," the leader nodded. "It isn't going to be an easy task, though. Your target, Gaara, is currently the Kazekage of Suna; he'll most likely have a lot of guards."

"Got it," Sasori stated. "We'll be packing."

The two walked down the hall and into the kitchen where most of the other Akatsuki members sat, eating lunch.

"-and then I fucking knew it. Darth Vader and Palpitine were a little closer then they'd like us to think,those bastards," Hidan shook his head, as if what he was talking about made any sense. He looked up to see Deidara and Sasori walking past him and smiled. "Hey, bitch! When you get back, I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you won't be able to walk for a week! Then I'll fuck you again, and that pretty little ass of yours will be covered in my-"

"Shut the hell up, Hidan!" Deidara cried. He ripped off his cloak and shed his pants to reveal his large, limp penis. Hidan's eyes grew wide as he stared at the blond's crotch. The rest of the Akatsuki were staring in the same direction, surprise written on all of their faces. "You want to fuck something? Try shoving this up your ass, hmm!" Deidara stormed off, grabbing his pants, with Sasori close behind him.

Hidan was the first to speak after the long silence. "It's a fake, it's gotta be a fake."

"I don't think so..." Itachi replied as he deactivated his Sharingan. "That looked pretty real to me..."

"How can someone that girly have one that big?" Hidan asked. A door slamming could be heard at the other end of the fort as Deidera and Sasori left for thier trip.

The mission went exactly as planned. With hardly any trouble, Deidara had snuck into Suna, where he was greeted by the trophy himself. Gaara, after a bit of a struggle, found himself being carried away to the cave where the One Tailed Beast would be extracted from him. Mission sucess, all was well.

Except...

Deidara sat on the bed, barely able to keep tears out of his eyes. He was back at the Akatsuki's current hideout, in Sasori's room. Or what _used_ to be his room.

_No._

He shook his head, as if to erase the thought.

It wasn't posseble. Sasori _couldn't_ be dead. He just couldn't.

But he was.

The infamous puppeteer, the master of poisons, had died at the hands of an old hag and a pink haired bitch.

What had happened?

Deidara wished he could have been there, to help his partner. But he hadn't been. Instead, he went baiting the Nine Tails kid, trying to hit two birds with one stone.

_If it was__n't for that stupid mission..._

"SEMPAI!" A orange masked man burst through the door,interupting Deidara's thoughts. This was Tobi, the annoying childish ninja who had been chosen to replace Sasori for who-knows-what reasons. "There you are! I've been looking all over for you!"

"Tobi," Deidara tried to cover up his tears.

"Say no more!" The dark haired man said cheerfully, sitting next to his new partner. "I've got something I think you'll like!"

"I doubt it,hmm," mumbled Deidara. The comment went unnoticed by the masked man.

"When Mr. Zetsu and I found Sasori's body..." Tobi reached into one of the bags at his waist. "We also found this!" He pulled out an audio recorder and handed it over. "It seems Sasori had a message for you before he died!"

With a flick of Tobi's wrist, a button was pushed and Sasori's voice filled the room.

_"Deidara, I hate to keep you waiting out there, but I'm sorry to say... I will never come. It seems...I have failed...My puppet...body was supposed to be...invincible...It seems I was wrong...The irony...of it all...the one who believed art to be...everlasting...dying first...so silly...__dying like this__...__Deidara__...I wish I could have...seen what you will become...__and I wish I could have seen your child...I know...you will make...a great parent...Deidara...you have the potential...I guess this is it...farewell..."_

The sound cut off and Tobi found himself calming his crying sempai.

"It's okay. Everything will be okay," Tobi muttered, not knowing what else to say.

Deidara pulled away from Tobi and wiped his eyes on his cloak.

"Thanks...For bringing me that." Deidara said sniffling, he stood up and walked towards the door.

"Where are you going Senpai?" Tobi asked from behind his mask. Deidara stopped in the doorway.

"For a walk, Tobi. I have some...Business to take care of." And he left.

* * *

Well, that's the end of yet another chapter. Have any predictions? Please tell me! The person with the closest guess for where Deidara's going will win a virtual cookie topped with yummy binary sprinkles. Please review with any suggestions on how I could improve the story and/or my writing. That helps me a lot! Thanks for reading! Itachi realizes his feelings for Deidara. But does the blond feel the same way about him? Who will help Deidara raise the baby? Lots of angsty goodness!

Preview for next chapter:

_Itachi realizes his feelings for Deidara. But does the blond feel the same way about him? Who will help Deidara raise the baby? Now with 84% more angst! _

Thanks again for reading!


	5. We're Alone

Hey peoples! Here's yet another chapter! Please read and review!

Naruto is property of Masashi Kishimoto, though Sasuke's working on his rights.

* * *

**Chapter Five: We're alone**

Deidara walked toward Orochimaru's hideout, not caring what would happen if he got caught. He didn't even have an escape plan.

_I've gotta _him_ what happened. _Deidara thought of his secret lover as he walked on. He had clay-in-hand and was nearing the hideout when-

"Why are you back here?" called the worried voice of Kabuto, the man he loved and the father of his child. Deidara's eyes lit up and he ran to the gray haired boy as fast as he could.

"You know it's dangerous for you to be here," Kabuto spoke into Deidara's hair.

"I had to come. I just had to,hmm," The blonde looked up with tearful eyes. "There's something I need to tell you. It's just I-"

"Shh," Kabuto put a finger to Deidara's lips, a predatory look coming into his eyes. "I sense another chakra... someone's here."

"That's what I-" Deidara began.

"Did you bring someone with you? Who? Why?" Kabuto shot the questions at Deidara angrily. Was their love no longer a secret? What if Orochimaru found out?

"No. I..." Deidara was crying now. Tears poured out of his eyes as he sniffled. "I'm-I'm..."

"You're what?" Kabuto had to know. Was his love dying? Had he gotten AIDs from Orochimaru? Was it something he could cure?

"I'm pregnant."

Silence.

"What?" The docter stared, shocked.

"I'm pregnant," the blond repeated. "And it's your child, hmm."

"That's-that's impossible! You-you're a g-g-guy! I know! I s-saw!" Kabuto began walking back and forth, running his fingers through his hair repetitavly. His medical mind was going faster than the speed of light. He turned to Deidara. "You're joking, right? This is all a prank. Ha-ha. Very funny. I laughed." He looked around. "Where ever you are, come out. I know you're there."

"I'm not joking!" Deidara's eyes filled with tears and his voice squeaked. "Orochimaru did something to me and...I don't know how, but now I-"

"No! This is why I don't like girls!" Kabuto stepped away from Deidara as if he was some deadly plague. "Get out. Now. You filthy... You're discusting...No...That's not my child...it isn't...it can't be..." With every word, Kabuto took another step backward. "YOU BITCH!" He spat, and then he ran, back to Orochimaru's hideout, crying tears Deidara couldn't see.

Deidara fell back and watched the one thing that he thought he had loved run away into the shadows. The one person he thought had loved him back. Warm tears fell from his eyes and painful sobs ripped throughout his body.

_Am I that awful? _He thought, _I finally find Kabuto and I get shot down, hmm._

He stood and ran from that spot as fast as he could, barely even navigating his own path. Trees and bushes were obstacles that he didn't care if he ran into them or not. Kabuto had refused.

_Who will take care of me and help me raise this… Monster inside of me, hmm? How could this have happened to me. Deidara, the youngest member of the Akatsuki, hmm? Why? _

Night fell quicker than expected and soon Deidara was wandering blindly in the dark. He didn't care, the one thing he wished for right now was death. He didn't watch his back and he let his guard completely down, hoping some enemy shinobi would happen upon him and try to kill the young Akatsuki. He ran, not sure where he was or caring and when he finally tripped and fell, he didn't get up. It had started to rain soon after Deidara fell, but he stayed in the same spot, not even caring…

OOOOOOOOOOOO

Deidara had told Pain that he would be back by sundown, so when he didn't return by dark Pain used his Rinnegan to find the young Akatsuki..

"Itachi," called the leader, "Go to sector 4-9 and retrieve Deidara, I think he has been injured." Itachi nodded and disappeared from the hideout.

_Hot, cold, crowded and alone. He was in the dark, yet blinded by light. _

_Will I die? He thinks, Can I? I wish I could, this life is too much, hmm._

"_Please don't die!" A voice pleads, "I want to live!"_

"_Yes…" Replies Deidara, "But I don't, hmm."_

_Heat, sweat, moaning with pleasure, crying in pain. Wanting to die, wanting to live, why was he so conflicted? _

_Now warm and safe, arms wrapped around him._

"_You can live," a soft voice said sweetly, "We can live here together, just us. Safe and sound, you'll never have to worry."_

_Deidara saw a large building that looked like a shrine with red walls and a curling roof. It was on a mountainside with tall trees that kept it hidden from view._

"_We'll live here? Just us, hmm?" Deidara asked. He felt warm arms wrap around him from behind. _

"_Yes…"_

Deidara woke up but kept his eyes closed, hoping that he could fall back into the later part of his dream, however, he could not seem to fall back asleep. He felt uncomfortable, like he was being carried bridal style. He slowly opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was the emblem of the Akatsuki, the blood red rain cloud. The second thing he saw was the face of the member that was carrying him.

"Itachi, hmm!" He wanted to struggle out of the Uchiha's arms but he felt too weak to move.

"Yes, Deidara?" Itachi looked at him, his Sharingan de-activated. "What do you want?"

"Put me down…" Deidara suddenly felt sick. Itachi, sensing the situation set Deidara on his feet and held his long blonde hair out of the way as the teen retched. Itachi place one hand on the blonde's fore head fore a moment.

"You're getting a fever, we have to hurry." The Uchiha stated. He picked Deidara up again, not giving the teen time to protest and ran towards the Akatsuki hideout.

Itachi stared at the unconscious teen in his arms sadly.

_If only you knew, Deidara, _he thought, _I wish that I could tell you the way I feel about you. _Itachi had felt something for the blonde teen ever since he had joined the Akatsuki, and he only wished that the teen felt something back...

* * *

Well, there you have it! Does Deidara feel the same way about Itachi? Will he survive Kabuto's betrayal? Is pie really a delicious treat? Find out in the next chapter!

Don't forget to review!


	6. The Mirror

What gets done on a sleepover with my co-writer? THIS! MWHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! Two chapters in one night! Please read and review!

* * *

**Chapter Six: The Mirror**

"Deidara," Itachi mumbled to the blonde who clung to him, unconscious, feverish and clammy.

"Don't let go," Deidara mummered in response.

So, Itachi obeyed and rested the blonde in bed beside him.

00000000000

_Where I am? _Deidara awoke staring at the face of a very familiar Uchiha. The blonde rolled off the bed and squeak as he hit the floor. He was up in an instant and pointed at the sleeping Itachi.

"WHAT THE HELL, TEME! I THINK I FOUND THE RAPIST IN LINKIN PARK, HMM!"

Itachi rolled over toward Deidara and he glared and said.

"You. Wouldn't. Let. Go. Of. My. Freakin'. Coat. Dobe" with that he fell back on the bed asleep. Deidara shook with anger and turned around to find Pain standing in the doorway with an axe.

"You found the rapist? Where? Oh, it's Itachi. Old news." He lowered his weapon and walked out of the room looking disappointed.

_Okay then, hmm. _Deidara thought as he walked out of the room and slammed the door. He was soon back in his room staring at Sasori's now vacant side of the room. He turned and walked into the bathroom.

Deidara glared at himself in the mirror he once enjoyed looking into with a blank hatred. _You're disgusting..._He thought back at Kabutos scathing words. _I don't balme him for hating me and this...This thing. I don't know why I thought he would want it...or me for that matter, hmm._

He lifted up his shirt to see how much...damage...the thing had done to his body. Sure enough, that was a slight, layer of fat where his flawless abs used to be. _Ug! Why can't I just get rid of this monster? _

Deidara punched the mirror in his frustration. Glass shattered across the bathroom floor. He stared at were the mirror had been and what he had done to it with tears dripping down his face. Blood dripped off his fist, going unnoticed. He leaned his forehead against the bare wall and he sobbed. Then it dawned on him, the reason he had come into the bathroom in the first place.

_I gotta go!_

He turned to head for the toilet but found himself floor bound with a face full of glass. The last thing Deidara saw was red, followed by black. The last thing he felt was a sharp pain in his arms and the last thing he heared was a small voice crying.

_Mommy! Don't die! I want to live..._

_"I'm sorry, but I don't..." _ Was the last thing he thought.

00000000000

"ITACHI!" Kiisame gasped, barely holding shape. Itachi jumped out of bed and pulled the shark into their bathroom. He pushed the blue man under the cold running tap of their bathtub.

"What happened?" he asked as he poured the aquarium salts into the tub with his half shark partner.

"I had just finished taking care of Guy (his goldfish) and was walking back here when I smelled blood coming from Dei's room and a lot of it. I'm fine, you go-" Itachi didn't wait for the rest of the sentence. He was already headed next door.

The first thing that hit him was the smell. Fresh, warm blood. The sight he saw was something he could not handle. When he had killed his clan, it was dark so he didn't have to see those he had once loved bleeding on the floor. The light was on here and he saw everything. The blood, the broken mirror, Deidara's still body on the floor.

"Sharingan." Itachi said as he walked towards the blonde. He sighed with relief, the teen was still alive. He picked Deidara up and carried him out of the bathroom as quickly as he could. The raven laid the bomber down on the bed and ran to the tool table on Sasori's side of the room. Sutures, clamps, and alcohol swabs. He brought all this back you the bed and set himself to work. Even though he was getting tireder by the minute, Itachi kept his sharingan activated and continued to remove each piece of glass and sew up the place it had came from. When he had finished, the blonde was cold. He looked, Deidara was still breathing though.

_ He lost too much blood! _Itachi ran back to the table and got the necessary equipment for a blood transfusion and got to work. He tied a tourniquet around his upper arm and inserted the needle and tube. Itachi then did the same to Deidara and slowly loosened his tourniquet. He lay down next to the blonde as his blood flowed into the other's body.

_ Why did you do that? _Itachi asked Deidara mentally, _Did you not want this __child__ that badly?_

He curled up next to love and fell asleep, not caring that he could die if he left the needle in. He promised himself that he would give every drop of his blood to keep Deidara, who was now warm to the touch, alive.

00000000000

Konan knocked on the door and slowly walked in.

"Deidara?" She gasped at what she saw. A sleeping Itachi curled around a bandaged Deidara with a blood tranfusion tube connecting the two. She ran over there and removed the tube. Itach was cold and pale, but still breathing. Deidara looked like _she_ had been through hell.

"Boy, am I grilling this story out of them tommorow..." Konan mumbled as she covered the two of them up.

* * *

Well. That's the end of the chapter. Please review. And, yes, pie is good. But not Pi. That's just too... math-like.


	7. Prayer

Okay, I promise this chapter will be(slightly) happier than the last.

Naruto is Masashi Kishimoto's.

All I own is the horrible mind that created this monster.

Please read and review!

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Prayer**

_Pain, blood, a thousand reflections of a hateful face. A hated lover, a loved enemy. Why so confused? Why so loved? Unloved? Hated, or not?_

_ Deidara cried out for the little voice he had grown to love. _

_ But there was no answer._

_ He fell to his knees and cried for this empty darkness to shed some light and fill the silence with voices. He didn't want to die alone..._

Deidara didn't open his eyes when he woke up. He just lay there hoping that this was just another dream. He heard a clap and the quiet voice of Itachi speaking.

"Lord, god? Whoever? I know I've never really done this before so I'm just winging it. I hope this isn't too corny... Me sitting by the person I love as they lay comatose, and it's probably slightly blasphemous, seeing as it's another guy... But you understand, right? I mean, even pervs have their patron saint. Anyway, I'm here to ask about Deidara. Could you, like, you know, give him a break? He's had enough of a rough life as it is. He doesn't need more things piling up. And to top it all off, he's got a kid on the way. I don't know if that makes him a male or a female, or maybe a mixture of both, but please help him find someone to help him and protect him. A soul mate, if you will. I love that guy a lot, but I know he hates me, so... Yeah. Someone to love Deidara and all that junk."

Deidara listened to Itachi as joyful tears filled his eyes. No one had ever treated him like he was precious, or even given him any true love for that matter. Kabuto had just been a depressed, selfish, bastard who bailed on him the moment things got rough. But Itachi here... His words were pure. _Here he is, praying to a god he doesn't even know exists or not, on my behalf. And he doesn't even know I'm listening. _Deidara remained lying and peeked glances at the man he once hated, a man who he had never said more than a sentence to, speak his soul out in prayer. And a very good one too, despite his inexperience.

Deidara yawned and sat up. He acted as though he had just woke up and hadn't heard Itachi's prayer.

"Itachi?" he yawned out, "Wha-at are you doing here, hmm?" He looked at the Raven beside his bed. Itachi teared up and pulled Deidara into a hug, whispering a thanks. "Itachi?" Deidara pretended to be surprised by the embrace.

"Sorry," Itachi pulled back and wiped his tears. "Why did you do that?" He looked slightly angry, glancing towards the bathroom.

"What, hm?" Deidara was confused, _what did I do..._ He thought.

Itachi rolled his eyes and lifted Deidara's arm.

"Now, do you remember? Why?" Deidara looked at his injured arm. It came back to him, the fall, the missing voice, the sharp pain. Then he worried though he didn't know why.

"Itachi...The baby..." He felt his still slightly flat stomach.

"It's fine. Still alive." Itachi glanced at the stomach as well, feeling it tentatively. Deidara sighed with relief.

"For your information, this-" Deidara waved his arm gingerly, "Was an accident. I punched the mirror and fell. Happens all the time, hm." He tried to joke but Itachi wasn't amused.

"You nearly died!" he almost yelled at the blonde. "We both did! I used up nearly all of my chakra on this fuckin' sharingan making sure I got every piece of glass out." Itachi passed out on the floor, and Deidara freaked out.

"KONAN!" he screamed. The blue-haired ninja ran into the room, concerned.

"Itachi!" She grabbed the Uchiha and put him into the bed. "What's he doing out of bed? He's lost way to much blood!"

"What do you mean? Lost blood how?" Deidara glanced over at Itachi and saw no visible wounds.

"Why do you think you're so energetic? You lost more than he did. If it weren't for Itachi's transfusion, you'd be dead right now," Konan finished covering the events of last night.

"Why would he do that?" Deidara was shocked.

"Isn't it obvious?" Konan looked at the blonde and smiled. "He loves you. A lot, by the looks of it. Last night, he was prepared to die for you."

"But why? How could he possibly love me? I'm just a knocked up freak," Deidara asked. Konan didn't answer. She just tucked Itachi in and left the room.

Deidara sat next to the bed, where Itachi had been moments before, staring at the unconscious face before him.

"You know, Itachi," Deidara spoke quietly. "You could've just told me." He smoothed the raven's hair and exited the room.

00000000000

It was awkward at the breakfast table that morning. Konan and Pain had disappeared, and if you were perverted like Hidan, or stupid like Tobi, and listened closely, you could hear phrases like "Get over here, you slim jim!" and "Where's the pudding?" Kisame was obsessed with attempting to drown his poor goldfish, Guy. Kakuzu had the table covered in money and he cursed every time a penny hit the floor. Zetsu was speaking with the house plant. It seemed that the only one interested in eating was Deidara.

After getting two bites into his combination of Lucky Charms, chocolate milk and peach yogurt, morning sickness hit. He ran to his bathroom, only to find it still looking like a murder scene. So he ran to the closest bathroom, Itachi's. Two heaves later it was over and he ran back you the kitchen to finish his breakfast.

Later that day, Deidara got an offer he could not and would not refuse.

"Hey, Deidara?" Konan asked, "Wanna go shopping?" Deidara nodded happily and soon they were skipping along to the strip mall. The first store they entered was...

"Matsuda's Pregnancy Outfitters." Deidara said clinically. Of course she wanted to outfit her new BFF with all the cute maternity clothes she could find. When they entered the store they were greeted by a young-ish man wearing a trench coat. "Hello there ladies!" He grasped at the opening of his coat and pulled it open, revealing the fact he wasn't wearing anything under, said trench coat. He was hoping for a scream, maybe some tears, but theirs was no the reaction he was hoping for. His face was greeted by a left and right hook and the equipment that he was so proud of met two deathly kicks to the balls.

"YOU THINK YOU CAN FLASH S-RANKED NINJA AND GET AWAY WITH IT!" Konan screamed,

"And you have the nerve to do so with that pitiful stump? Mine is way bigger than that, hmm!" Deidara said truthfully. Konan took it figuratively.

"Yeah, we both have twice the balls you'll ever have!" Konan kicked the poor guy in the crotch again. "Come Dei, we have some shopping to do." and they went to a different part of the store.

"Preggo Porn Outfits?" Deidara looked at his companion oddly, as they walked into a new section of the store."Not that I mind going in here, but why-" a new look crossed his face and Konan blushed.

"Are you-" He looked at her and she nodded.

"Yup! One month today!"

"Congrats!" Deidara gave Konan a small hug. "Let me guess- Pain's the father, hmm."

The bluenette gave him an odd look. "No, it's Zetsu's. Of course Pain's the father! It' almost as obvious as Itachi being the father of yours!"

"Wait. No, no, no," Deidara laughed and took his arms off of Konan. "Itachi isn't the father. In fact, we've never actually done... it."

"What?" Konan gawked at him. "Then who...?"

"This real jerk, Kabuto," Deidara, for the first time, felt anger towards the doctor. "At first, he was sweet, but when I told him I was pregnant, he simply abandoned me, hmm."

"Oh..." the Paper Angel was lost for words. How could this have happened? Especially to one of the Akatsuki? It wasn't possible unless..._he_ had something to do with it. "Orochimaru was involved." She could tell that she was on the right track when a sad look came into the blonde's eyes. Konan was about to comfort him when he spoke up.

"It's okay, though," Deidara said softly. "I'm over him. He was an asshole, and I was a fool, hmm. That's all there is to it. Itachi on the other hand..." he chuckled. "He is my guardian angel, hmm. He treats me like I'm somebody special, and you know what? I am unworthy, yet his love is undying, hmm. Itachi doesn't care that this isn't his kid. He really could care less. I don't know what's going through his head right now, but he's sure got a lot going through mine."

* * *

What could happen next? Oh the possibilities! Will Deidara and Itachi find themselves skipping through a meadow? How will Pain react when he finds out? Is Tobi really a 'Good Boy'? Or is he Zetsu's bad boy? Find out next time!

Review or I'll send you to Orochimaru.


	8. Too Good to Last

**Chapter Eight: Too Good to Last**

Deidara went to bed that night with a lot on his mind. Itachi loving him, the assumptions of the other members about his pregnancy, Kabuto's betrayal and-

_CRASH-BOOOOOMMM!_

Deidara's eyes flew open and he curled up into as tight a ball as he possibly could. Rain pounded the roof of the hideout.

_CRASH-BOOOOOMMM!_

He squeaked and rolled out of his bed, falling to the floor crying. He crawled into a corner as far away from the window as possible.

_CRASH-BOOOOOMMM!_

"Ahhh!' he curled up on himself sobbing with fear, he couldn't move he was so scared. "I-I-I-I-ITACHIII?" he called out in the dark.

_CRASH-BOOOOOMMM!_

"ITACHIII?" He was screaming now, he couldn't stand it anymore. For years he had been dealing with the fear alone.

"Deidara?" Itachi whipped his head around the room with his Sharingan activated. He saw the bomber in the corner and rushed over to the bomber. "Are you alright? What happen-"

_CRASH-BOOOOOMMM!_

Deidara leapt into the Uchiha's arms and clung there.

"S-s-s-s-Sasori used to t-t-tranquilize m-m-me whenever it s-s-stormed b-b-because of t-t-the t-thunder." The blonde was convulsing in Itachi's arms, tears were soaking his shirt where the teen was clinging to him.

"Hey, calm down." Itachi held Deidara gently and soothingly ran his hand up and down the teen's back. "There, there. I'm here and I not gonna leave," The blonde held still for a moment,

"P-p-p-promise?" He asked shakily,

_CRASH-BOOOOOMMM!_

Itachi held the frightened blonde closer. "I promise, I'll never let you go."

Hidan, attracted to the screams of fear rush in just in time to see Itachi holding Deidara. He looked on their touching scene with disgust.

_Ew…They're fucking fags! _Hidan gagged. But somewhere, deep down in his heart, he wished someone would hold _him _like that.

0000-

The mood at breakfast was different the next morning. Deidara sat next to Itachi, holding hands under the table. Hidan was glaring daggers across the room at them. Konan and Pain were absent _again_, and it wasn't hard to guess why.

"So um-" Deidara tried to make conversation with Hidan who was never quiet when the banging in the other room suddenly stopped. "How was-"

"I'M GONNA BE A DAD!" They heard Pain yell. Soon, the leader was in the room, butt naked, with a victorious smile from ear to ear. "EVERYBODY GET IN HERE!"

Tobi, Kakuzu, Kisame, and Zetsu all appeared in the room within a few seconds of the announcement. Kisame and Kakuzu tried to look undisturbed at the sight of their oh-so-powerful leader doing a nude happy dance. However Tobi just _had _to comment.

"Was Leader-san fucking Konan again? He really needs to stop that. It sounds like it hurts."

"Tobi!" Kisame looked at his young protégé, his face filled with shock. "Where did you learn that language?"

"Hidan-san," Tobi replied. "He said they were playing twister and it was easier for them without clothes."

The fish did a face palm. "Maybe you shouldn't hang around Hidan anymore."

"But Hidan is my bestest buddy and I love him!" Tobi ran over to hug the moody Jashinist only to be pushed away.

"Get the fuck away from me, fag," Hidan cast one more glare at Deidara and Itachi and stormed out of the room.

"What's his problem?" Konan said as she walked into the room, wearing one of Pain's tee-shirts backwards.

"Who knows?" Kisame shrugged. "That guy always something shoved up his…" he glanced at Tobi. "…nose."

"You mean his finger, right?"

"Sure, Tobi. Sure." The ex-Blue Man Group member sighed.

Konan then realized her husband wasn't wearing anything. "Nagato!" She cried. "Get some pants on!"

"No! I'm too proud of this junk!" He strutted around like a peacock, making sure his manhood was clearly visible to all. "Here I was thinking the swimmers were drowning!" He turned to the group, "I'm still a honorable man!" They all stared at the 'junk' he was so proud of. He beamed as they looked away, some in embarrassment, others with envy (Kisame).

"Fine," Konan blushed. "I just don't want to hear that you were sleeping with anybody who spotted your_slim jim_."

"Anything you say, _sugar_," Pain wrapped his arm around his love and kissed her cheek. "Anyway, I've got some great news! Konan and I-"

_BLARG!_

The leader was rudely interrupted by Deidara puking in the sink, with Itachi right behind him to pull back his hair.

"Let me guess," Kisame cleared his throat. "Konan's pregnant."

"Yep!" Pain glowed with pride.

"Wow!" Tobi rushed rushed over and poked Konan's stomach. "I hope it's triplets!"

"Why?" The only female looked down, blushing.

"So you can have one of each!" The masked man jumped up and down.

"Yeah…." Deidara lifted his head up and wiped his mouth. "Good luck with that." He walked over to Konan and gave her a big hug.

Deidara and Konan shared a knowing glance , smiling. The bomber let Itachi wrap his arms around his waist and leaned into the embrace. The Akatsuki were happy to hear all this good news around them, well, all except Hidan.

The immortal glared at the pregnant blonde and the raven, both oblivious to his stares.

___Fucking faggots, they're not right..._ Then Hidan had a particularly evil thought that throughout the day became an evil plan. If he couldn't show them how wrong they were, he'd simply have to pull them apart.

000

Deidara sat on his bed, sorting the baby clothes he had collected into small piles. He looked at the onesies Itachi had had made for the baby. One said in large letters "I may not have Sharingan, but I am an Uchiha!" and the other said "My daddy has Mangekyo." The blode shook his head. The Uchiha was getting way too excited about this whole thing.

_Knock! Knock!_

"Come in!" he called, thinking it was Itachi.

"Hey, Heathen!" Hidan called as he burst into the room, "Wassup?"

"Nothing...much?" Deidara was shocked that the Jashinist hadn't cursed yet. "Wassup with you, hmm?"

The immortal grinned on the inside, but on the outside he looked concerned.

"Um..." He scratched the back of his head, "I really hate to be the one to tell you this." Deidara stiffened.

"Tell me what, hmm?" He spoke in an almost whisper.

"It's about Itachi...and your baby..." The Jashinist paused for effect.

"What do you mean..." The blonde spoke even quieter.

"Itachi doesn't want you! He just wants the brat!" Hidan spat out as if he was disgusted with himself for it. Deidara blew up.  
"Th-thats just ri-ridiculous!" The bomber jumped up and began pacing back and forth.

"No!" Hidan said pleadingly, "I overheard him talking to Kisame! The kid has some rare Kekei or some shit. He's never wanted you."

Deidara looked at him with tear-filled eyes.

"A-are you telling the truth, hmm?" He choked out. The immortal nodded.

"I swear by Jashin-sama's sword."

The blonde's face contorted with heartbreak and he ran out of the room, passing Kakuzu in the hallway.

Kakuzu never missed anything important, like the grief stricken look on Deidara's face and Hidan leaving the blonde's room looking like he'd just won the lottery.

* * *

Well, there it is! Sorry it took so long to complete!


End file.
